Premise: A parody of anime and role-playing video games starring Billy, who lives with his senile grandfather, Benjamin Dover (now, shorten 'Benjamin,' then say his name out loud for a big laugh, or at least a giggle... teehee!). Ben works for Hugh Boston, who's practically the richest dude in the world, as a janitor. Now, Grampa is a very strange, bigoted man (just warning ya). I swear, one minute, he's pro-gay, and the next, he's anti-gay. It kinda made me uncomfortable to re-read the stuff he says. But altering the plot so that it's all happy-happy-joy-joy would be a pain in the ass. One day, it works out so that Hugh goes over to Ben's house for what Ben thought was a homosexual date, when Hugh wants to go on a journey to bring eternal mana to the world (hence the title) to end the meaningless war that's been going on. Billy ends up going with the two, and random shit ensues, including young love, a baby (the two somehow connect...I'll give you three guesses, and then I declare you a moron), lost family connections, catacalysmic summons sent out to destroy our heroes, and a climatic finale involving a plummeting meteor and an epic rivalry coming to an end. Now THAT sounds fuckin' awesome!! Wanna know how it plays out? Well, read on, loyal dogs...bow to my undeniable writing power! And sorry it's so long, but these things are called "epics" for a reason.
It was a crystal-clear, sunny day on Earth, even in the midst of a raging war for the little mana that remained on Earth. Mana was the source of all life, and all humanity was surely screwed without it. In the bustling city of Mesopotopolis, Hugh Boston ran a major, billion-dollar corporation (and here's the shocker---it doesn't specialize in oil!) right in the center. Benjamin Dover worked as a janitor here, but the money was surprisingly good. It was more than enough to support his grandson, Billy, who was completely against the war (hippie!). Billy would do anything to stop the war; it was kind of a family thing, as his great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather was against the War on Terror (oh, yeah, this story's set in the future---waaaaaaaaaaay in the future [but oddly, civilization hadn't advanced much...Playstation 3's were two for a dollar, though]). But fate would help him accomplish stopping the war ...fourteen years and almost three entire stories later, but it would be done. Yeah, real complicated shit thus far, but let's increase the insanity with a pointless car chase right in the beginning!
So, we meet outside a local newscaster's house---Kevin Hathaway (hmmm...wonder where they thought up that name? ["they" who?]), as he is late for work. We should be hearing from him any minute now...
Yep, there he is!
"I'm late, I'm late, I'm LATE!!!"
Kevin jumped into his $90,000 car, and sped out of his driveway with little regard for human life...
...or those of God's fellow creatures. So, Kevin continued, denying all traffic laws and pedestrian rights. Thank God nobody was harmed in his rampage!...yet. I say that because Kevin was about to hit the highway, already cranking out at more than 120 m.p.h. The police were on their way to stop this maniac before really serious damage was caused in the city, which, at this point, sounded like a damn good idea! (the stopping him, not the city damage...)
Kevin hit the on-ramp, and sped up to 165 m.p.h. Cops were hiding behind a billboard, ready to take him down. When Kevin passed by, they struck immediately, careening onto the highway with any weapons that may be necessary if it come to that. Kevin was stunned by the cavalcade of police that were following him, and was only prompted to speed up more (who isn't when thirty cop cars are on your ass?). So he did, with cops only speeding up with him.
"Stop, you maniac!" cried a cop after he got Kevin to roll down his window, "you wouldn't want to wreck that nice ride, would you?"
"I don't care! I can't miss work! The people need their news! If I'm not there, who'll give them the news?!! So, I have to get to work!"
"Well, then, mister, you might want to stick to the road."
"Huh?" Kevin, in the ten seconds he was distracted, managed to drive down a gate, and cross onto the railroad tracks, with (what chance?) a train charging behind him. The rough terrain had slowed Kevin down considerably, so he was at risk for getting rammed in the ass---hard. That, or his vehicle gets horribly mangled by the surrounding environment. Kevin saw no hope but to abandon ship. So, he bravely opened his car door, and jumped really high into the air, grabbing the side of the train as his car got FUCKIN' WRECKED!! The train got derailed by the car, and was now fully operating on the highway (a hell of a feat, considering that it's an electric train). Now, of course, trains can't turn (they don't need to; they just follow the tracks), and with the highway and tracks taking a light curve up ahead, this proved to be a pain in the ass, especially with another train going the opposite direction on the other tracks (man, this just is not Kevin's day, is it?). So, Kevin jumped off this train, and onto the top of a 18-wheeler's carrier as the train jumped the tracks, and plowed straight into the other train, with debris going everywhere---even one huge piece slicing the carrier Kevin was on in half, vertically. Kevin was on the half that would be left behind, so he jumped from his half to the half that was dragging behind the semi. Then, the truck driver noticed some debris ahead on the road. So, he frantically braked hard, swerved, and failed to notice the broken half of his carrier catching up quick behind him. It plowed right into whatever was left of his truck. By this time, Kevin had jumped onto a bus, and managed to sneak into an open window.
"Hey! Pay the fare, buddy!"
"Okay, but could you tell me where this bus is going?"
"Right outside the news studio."
"Well, guess where it's goin' now, bitch?! The news studio!" Kevin got ready to pistol-whip and take over the bus.
"Yeah, but that's what I sai---"
The cops were still in pursuit, but had lost track of him. They hoped to find him somewhere soon.
Back in the bus, Kevin asked some of the passengers, "So, where ya guys going?"
"The Baker's Square off 85th Avenue."
"Starbucks. It doesn't matter where, they're all over the freakin' place."
"Okay, well,..." Kevin opened the door, "get ready to jump."
Hey, Kevin meant it, too---even the poor, little old lady who walked with a cane (note: 'walked' in past tense). But all the passengers did get to their destinations; it wasn't safely, but they did get there (save the little old lady). The police asked the abused passengers who was driving their bus, and where he was heading. They all gave an honest answer, and pursuit continued. But, oh, it ain't gonna end there! In fact, it ain't anytime soon! Kevin continued to attempt escape by barreling through the crowded streets as if he were in the bus from "Speed." Then, a little bit of time later, Kevin saw the cops in his rear- view mirror, lights flashing and sirens blaring.
"Aw, sonofabitch!" Kevin sped up even more (?!) because deep down, he knew he'd win this war between him and those coppers. Then, he was unsuspectedly rammed from behind by a cop. Even in a bus, this scared the crap out of Kevin, and he took a hard right---it didn't matter that he wasn't near an intersection---to drive through the front door of a skyscraper. Freaking out, Kevin veered up the stairs, and bashed through the wall, flying across the street, and into the next skyscraper. He flew up those stairs, and flew into the next skyscraper (anybody see a pattern here?). This continued until Kevin was about six stories up, and in midair, on his way to the next skyscraper, Kevin noticed something.
"Aw, crap, that was the studio!"
So, up the next set of stairs, Kevin attempted a 180-degree turnaround. But, going up some stairs in a bus, that'd be a bitch. The bus turned around, but it was in reverse, and going out the building. Thankfully, a scaffolding slowed down the bus, then gave it a little boost back forward. The bus crashed back through the wall, and fell down towards the studio's 40-foot tall window, where Kevin's slutty co-anchor left the desk during the break so she could turn down the thermostat, resulting in more titty exposure (bringing in bigger ratings! And possibly a few FCC fines...). Then, out of freakin' nowhere, the window is brought down by some lunatic driving a bus (hey...that's me!). People were screaming for their lives, "Sonofabitch!!" "Holy shit!" "Duck, you motherfuckers!" (wait...that last one's still me) The news desk was brought down with a mighty crash. On live television, many peoples' lives were at risk, and one was even lost on the way (R.I.P., random old lady...). Debris and smoke rummaged the news studio. After a little while, Kevin emerged from it, black and bruised, with the cops ready to cuff his ass on the spot. But, oh no, Kevin wasn't going down that easily...he took one of the cops' guns, and aimed it at everybody in the area.
"Watch out!" one of the officers said, "we know this motherfucker's crazy!"
Kevin stared at him. "You can't...say 'fuck'...on live TELEVISION!!"
* * *
"Watchers of this morning's news were met with a shock when Kevin Hathaway apparently entered a state of dementia, and shot and killed a police officer on live television after hijacking a bus, which was followed by officers going on a high-speed chase. He allegedly shot the officer over a dispute involving the officer's use of the f-word on live television, which was used moments after Hathaway was to be arrested for his erratic driving. We have the footage. but we really shouldn't be showing it, because of the brief strong languaage, and the actual death of a man in uniform, which itself is very graphic. Ah, hell, roll the footage. Let those weak-hearted fuckers get shocked, I don't give a shit..."
Kevin popped up behind the newswoman with a gun. "You can't...say 'fuck'...or 'shit'...on live TELEVISION!!"
Benjamin Dover was watching the entire fiasco, from the beginning, in his janitor's closet on the little 10-inch, black and white T.V. he had been watching the news out of, from work, for 12 years, and quite frankly, he was disgusted (hell, I'm sure anyone'd be...you, the reader, probably are right now!).
"What is this damn world coming to?!" he cried, "I don't know why they keep doing live television if people are just going to get shot! And then there's the damn war! Oh, shit, don't get me started on the war! It's so meaningless! It's friggin' mana! Who the hell even knows what mana friggin' is?!"
Two young punks walked by. "Duh, old man, mana is the main source of life! All humanity is screwed without it! Dumbshit."
"I remember back in my day, young punks like you respected their elders! And we got spanked fer them dirty words! You couldn't swear 'til you were fifteen years old!"
"Face it old man, this is the 24th century; people stopped respecting their elders after World War VII---and that was a while ago! We're already well into WW XXIX!"
"Yeah, I heard they're going to have a world war after every Super Bowl, televised live, with three-second delay of course; they'd hate for Janet Jackson to show the other nipple..."
"Now, listen here! I'm a WW VI veteran, and I demand at least minimal respect! Ya got that?! Now, go get a haircut, hippies!"
"Fuck you, you old douche! I don't trust or respect nobody! Well...I do trust somebody..."
"Who?" asked Grampa, "who do you trust?"
"Who do I trust? I trust me; I'm Tony Montana..." And with that unnecesary, time-stalling parody, the boys left. Then, the big boss man, Hugh Boston, richest entrepreneur in the city, showed up.
"Hey, I heard that conversation, and I agree, this world's pretty messed up, and I'd like to do something about it. Everyone seems real tense about the Mana War; if we found a way to stop the war, there'd be no insanity plaguing our streets anymore. Isn't that what you desire, Benjamin?! A peaceful and sane world?! Wouldn't it be wonderful?!"
"Ah, you're full of shit, we can't stop the Mana War, unless we find mana ourselves to hold off their whiny asses 'til they run out again and have another war!"
"Yes, but what if I were to tell you that I could lead us to a portal of..." Hugh grabbed Grampa (previously known as "Benjamin"...should've said that before), and took him inside his janitor's closet, then shut the door.
"I knew it!" cried Grampa, "you're gay! And this closet symbolizes your coming out! Well, I ain't going down with you---either way!"
"No, we're just talking in secrecy of something that could affect the entire fate of the world! Now, as I was saying, what if I were to tell you that I could lead us to a portal of eternal mana?..."
"ETERNAL MANA?! SONOFABITCH!!"
"Shh! Shut the hell up! Nobody else should know about this, except close relatives who can be relied on to keep secrets!"
"Like my grandson, Billy?"
"Umm...I dunno...maybe...we should talk over dinner at your house tomorrow night...how's six thirty sound?"
"Oh, just fine..." Hmm...maybe it's a gay come-on...I'm stickin' with that theory, daggurnit! I'll closely inspect him tomorrow at this dinner...I wonder if he's bringing the turkey?...
"And I'll bring the turkey."
Hot diggity damn! If he is gay, I may just turn myself, and nab him before he's taken...aw, dammit! He's got a wedding ring tan line... "Hey, Hugh, are you married?"
"Well, I was, for roughly twenty years...and then she died.."
'She?!' That doesn't sound very gay! Maybe he's bi-?... "Any plans to remarry? I hear Massachussetts is beautiful this time of year..."
"No, to say she was the epitome of perfection would be one of the severe understatements of modern time...and she wasn't that bad in the sack, either! Rreowr!"
Okay, that really doesn't sound gay...metrosexual? Look for a clue, look for a clue...But I do say, that is a damn nice suit, especially for a janitor! Even if you're in it, I wouldn't mind being in it, too!"
Whoop, go back to the 'gay' theory...
Hugh just stared at him. "Are you trying to figure out if I'm gay?!"
Damn! He got me! "Uh---no!"
"You just said, 'Damn! He got me!'"
"Hmm..." You mean I said that out loud?
Grampa shrieked. "I must be thinking out loud, or something...so, are we still on for six thirty?"
"What do you think?!"
A silence beckoned. "Yes?" Grampa finally replied.
"Damn, I must be thinking out loud, too...Well, see ya then...and it's strictly business!!"
"Yeah, yeah, I got you..." They parted ways, and Grampa threw away a mixed C.D. he had created entitled Shit to Get You in "The Mood' He put the garbage can outside (as being the janitor) just as the garbageman came by. He noticed the C.D. and picked it up. He got back in the truck and started playing it. The first song was Justin Timberlake's "Sexyback." Then, the garbageman said, "Eh, maybe my wife'd like it..." Then he started singing along with it uncomfortably (uncomfortable for fellow commuters, that is).
* * *
Later that night, Grampa was getting ready for his "business" date with Hugh, when his grandson Billy came into the room. "Grampa, if you're going to be on a date with respectable rich people like Hugh Boston, you could at least wear a different suit; I mean, you wear that one every damn day! You got a turtleneck in your closet; I'll get it out for y---"
Grampa took out a gun. "If that hanger so much as goes off the rack, you're a dead motherfucker, ya got that?!"
Billy's voice cracked, "Yessir..." as he backed away---very slowly---from the closet.
Grampa looked at a clock in the room. "Ooh, he should be here any minute! Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!!"
"Yo, old man, just CHILL!! It might also be my evening-filler, a one Miss Jenna Brewster."
"Aw, THAT girl?! I thought you dumped her ass!"
"Where the hell did you even get that idea?"
"Eh, it doesn't matter; I bet the kids all call her 'Punky's sister.'"
"What in the holy name of shit are you talking about?"
"'Punky Brewster?' A T.V. show from the 1980's?"
"Grampa, everyone is trying to forget the 1980's, except for any parts with AC/DC and Iron Maiden and any of that other awesome stuff poeple WANT TO REMEMBER!!!"
"All right, all right, yeesh, it was just a simple T.V. reference." It was silent. Then, a knock struck the door. "Race ya!" said Grampa almost immediately.
"Eh, you're on, old man," Billy said almost lifelessly, who walked at a calm pace while Grampa raced as quickly as he could (and as being an old man, that standard was set pretty low). Grampa screwed himself on the stairs as he tripped on the bottom step, and then couldn't get up. Billy walked right over him, and opened the door. It was Jenna.
"Well, hello, Jenna!" said Billy, "just come right on in!"
Jenna looked at the stairs. "Oh, my God! Is that your grandfather on the floor by the stairs?!"
"Ah, he's fine; he just forgets that the tortoise beats the hare. Let's go to my room and make out."
"I'll get you for this, Billy!" cried Grampa, "just make sure her clothes stay on! And yours, too; nobody needs to see Woody Woodpecker! And just to make sure it can't be seen, I'll turn down the thermostat, and turn it into Chilly Willy!"
At this point, Billy and Jenna already just had undergarments on, and were just making out. Then, Billy dove to unhook her bra, but found himself to be unsuccessful. "Damn, your dad's taking desperate measures; he put a lock combination on your bra hook."
"Yeah," she replied, "he's still got a few tricks left up his sleeve yet, like a miniature electric fence on my panties, and then he's working on a tiny Rube Goldberg-like invention that'll eventually poison you to death. He's put a lot of time into it; I think he'd like to see it work."
"Oh, hell no! I ain't getting goddamned poisoned to death by no tiny goddamned Rube Goldberg contraption! Fuck that! We should just run away from this godforsaken place where young lovers can be free from nagging adult guardians with strict requirements. But, two minors fucking is illegal pretty much everywhere, so we're stuck with safe combinations and electric fences. We can wait it out 'til we're 18---"
"Yeah---in three years! Teenage relationships don't last three years, Billy!"
"But ours will, baby! Ours will! I promise! Here's my most prized possession as proof."
He handed Jenna a picture. "It's a picture of me," she replied.
"Yeah, I know; that's why it's my most prized possession."
"Aww...that's too damn hokey, how about your iPod, or something?"
"Oh, no no no no no no; not the iPod. There's a song for, like, every occasion on there. Sometimes, the songs are so appropriate, it's like fate is watching me, and selecting the soundtrack as life goes along. No, how about this, uh...green pearl with a pink ribbon I found?"
"Ooh, it's pretty!"
"Eh...yeah, I guess; but that's the proof we're going to last. Can you feel it?"
"Yes, I can..."
Back downstairs, Hugh came inside after no one answered the door, and was stunned to see Grampa on the ground. "Oh, my God! He's fallen and he can't get up!"
"Ah, fuck you," replied Grampa, "just help me up, ya douche."
"Well, not if you call me that, you old fart."
* * *
So, eventually, Hugh helped Grampa up. "Hey, wait a minute, don't you have a grandson? Where the hell is he at?"
"I HAVE A GRANDSON?!"
"Yeah, you told me earlier, remember?"
"I've communicated with you recently?! Who the hell are you?!"
"I'm your goddamn boss! You've worked for me for 12 years, remember? You were there from the beginning! YOU WERE RIGHT NEXT TO ME WHEN THE MAYOR CUT THE FUCKIN' RIBBON!!!"
"Where is it I work again?"
"Hugh Boston's Housing Companies! How much did that fall hurt you?"
"I'll take that as 'severely.' Now, where is this jackass grandson of yours who wouldn't help you up? I'm gonna curse his ass out!"
"I may be that jackass grandson," responded Billy, going down the stairs with Jenna.
"Who the fuck do you think you are, leaving an innocent old man to practically die at the bottom of Death's staircase?! You fucking twit! I hope your children or grandchildren leave you at the bottom of a stairwell, so you know what your grandfather went through today!" Then, Hugh stopped abruptly to get a good look at Billy.
Billy found it a good time to cram in his two cents. "Me and her haven't discussed kids yet. We're gonna grow old on a farm and die together on our porch, gazing into the sunset, only to be discovered by our milkman a week later, in a dead, loving embrace."
Hugh snapped out of his trance. "Aww, that's...creepy as hell. So that's your lady friend, I take it?"
"Y...yeah, if you want to put it that way. But I'd say she's more like my bitch."
Hugh stared, speechless. "Huh. Your bitch. Well, okay, I guess you're off the hook...for today."
"He left me at the stairs for dead, and now he's off the hook?!"
"Off the hook like Jeezy, biyatch!" said Billy.
"Oh, you didn't even remember the fall, so shut up! Let's just leave those two lovebirds alone and get down to our business."
"You trust them alone?!"
"Hey, I don't claim to have the best parenting skills. So, how 'bout that mana?"
"Oh, yeah, mana, uh-huh. What about it?"
"You remember the mana, but not your own grandson?!"
"Hey, I don't claim to have the best parenting skills, either! So, anyway?..."
"In the middle of a forest, there lies a portal with many slots for certain objects to slide into..."
"Oh, my God, are you that immature?"
"Hey, my name is Ben Dover... you can only expect some immaturity from me."
"Yeah, anyway, there's the portal, and you have to get certain items to put into the slots, which are all located in separate directions. We must trek a perilous journey to get the objects, but it'll be worth it to end the Mana War---"
"Walk?! I have to fucking walk?!"
"No, no, I said 'trek.' Trekking and walking are two different---"
"If you gotta get from point A to point B, it doesn't matter how you do it, it's walking! And I don't do that shit, so get Billy to do it, or something; take his goddamn bitch for all I care!"
"Aah! That's creepy! How do you know her name?! Nobody said it!"
"She's Jack Brewster's daughter; Jack works at the company, too, as C.E.O. She came by for 'Daddy-Daughter Work Day.'"
"What company again?"
"GrrrrAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GODDAMN YOU!"
"'Goddamn U.?' Like a college? A college isn't a company, Hugh."
Hugh drowned his face into his hands. "Just shut the fuck up," he said ever so softly.
Billy ran into the room, half-naked. "I heard 'end Mana War,' what're you guys doing?"
"Billy, why the fuck aren't you wearing a shirt? Some pants might be nice, too."
"But I am wearing pa---"
"I said, 'some pants might be nice, too.' Need me to elaborate? And why don't you get rid of those sideburns, hippie?!" (this whole little part parodies the episode of 'The Simpsons' where Mr. Burns hires actual MLB players to play for his company softball team) Billy had no sideburns, so he just scratched his head, then left. Hugh got back to Grampa. "Don't you wish to end the war?"
"If I have to do exercise, screw it! Just take Billy and get outta here!"
"But Grampa, you have to watch me for Mom's sake!" Billy's head was shaved almost completely bald.
"What th--?! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO GET RID OF THOSE SIDEBURNS, HIPPIE!!" cried Hugh.
"Look, I don't know what you think sideburns are, but you just lost yourself a player."
"A player? The hell you talking about?"
"Well, you look the type to play D&D, right?"
This nerdy acronym lost Hugh.
"Dungeons and Dragons?"
Hugh was still befuddled.
"Vin Diesel plays it?"
"Hmm, if Vin Diesel plays it, it must be awesome! You should get me into this 'D&D.'"
"Well, not anymore, you don't know what the fuck sideburns are! And now I'm almost BALD!!"
Jenna saw Billy's new 'do. "Oh, my God..."
"Okay, look, what happened was..."
"...I am so turned on by bald men!" she cried
"Bald men who are my age!"
Grampa sighed of relief.
"C'mere, you sexy beast..." The two got into a lovelock.
"Whoa, hey, let's keep it PG-13! He's already shirtless!"
"Hold on, baby, I gotta ask Hugh something. Hey, can I come with on the Mana Journey?"
"Billy? Do you really want to go?" asked Jenna.
"Yes, and before you ask, no, I don't want you to come with. I don't know what the hell I'd do with myself if you were to get in harm's way."
"Aww... That's pretty damn hokey, too. But I didn't want to come, anyway. I was going to ask when you'd be home, because there's this dance at school Saturday..."
"Oh, he's not going to make it by Saturday," said Hugh. "This is an incredibly long journey. In fact, if they made it a movie, it'd probably make three movies, and that's excluding all the boring walking and resting we're going to do," said Hugh. "Why the hell are you coming with? Me and your grandfather would both be gone, leaving you and your curvacious, attractive girlfriend here to be alone, if you get my drift."
Jenna gasped. "How dare you comment my lady parts!"
"Oh, I'm sure all the boys at school talk like that."
"They do, Jenna," said Billy. "They all want to..." He pantomimed humping. "...you."
"That's disgusting!" All of them? Even the nerds?"
"Especially the nerds, because you are so out of their league. Nerds go for chicks like that. And Hugh, going back on topic, yes I'm sure I want to go on this Mana Journey. If I could assist the world in being restored to its former glory, then I'd feel a lot better about myself. Plus, the longer she waits for my hero sex, the better it'll be!"
"God, you're a sick little bastard. Well, we leave at dawn, so pack your bags. And I'm staying for the night," said Hugh.
"Y-you wha?!" cried Grampa, "where are you sleeping? We only have two rooms!"
"Well, it sure as hell ain't gonna be with Billy, that'd be just flat-out wrong! I'm bunking with you."
Grampa was still worried about his gay theory on Hugh. "Er---no, no, no, guest gets a bed to himself; I'll take the couch."
"Oh, well that's very generous of you, Ben Dover."
That name at that very moment sounded so wrong to Grampa, it wasn't even funny (well, to Grampa, it wasn't). "Uh-huh, okay, goodnight!" Grampa ran into the living room and closed the door.
"Why's he going to bed, now? It's only 7 o'clock."
"Ah, he's probably just excited for tomorrow, and is trying to make it get here faster." Billy leaned in close to Hugh. "I'm lying. He thinks you're gay."
"Still?! I told him I wasn't! (when, in actuality, he didn't tell him he wasn't; he just asked if Grampa was wondering if he was gay)"
"He's just slow in the head, is all. He's still worried I'm a porn addict after I saw myself nude in the mirror, and I asked, 'what's that jiggly thing below my waist?' I was friggin' 7 years old! I didn't know that shit already!"
"Ah. Indeed. Well, if we're going to be journeying together God knows how long, we should get acquainted with each other. And your bitch can come too if she'd like."
Billy looked at Jenna. "Hey, he catches on quick to things."
"Oh, no, I was referring to your dog. It is female, right?" Hugh was down on his knees, greeting a golden retreiver.
"Dude, I have never seen that dog in my life."
"Oh, yes, bite my hand off, little doggy, yes, that's it!... why are you foaming at the?---OH, GOD! GET IT OFF!!!"
* * *
"Well, that was quite a frightening experience. I'm glad the vet saw no sign of rabies on me. Oh, my, it's pushing eleven o'clock! I'm surprised you're still awake, Billy, but Jenna didn't seem to make it..." Jenna was propped up in a chair, bundled in a blanket. Hugh leaned in to tell Billy something. "You really love that girl, right?"
"You may think you love her now, but you're still just a teenager. You'll probably love hundreds of girls more than her over time, and not a one of them may still be your true love."
"N-no! What you said was bullshit! Jenna's a wonderful girl, and I'll love her forever!"
"Trust me, Billy, there will be others; there may even be a girl on our journey!"
"No! I love Jenna with all my heart! I wouldn't betray her love!"
"Well, okay, but I'll hold you on that, Billy. For now, though, let's take Jenna home. I'm sure Jack's worried sick."
So the two put Jenna in the car, still sleeping, and drove into the night. Then, Hugh came out with it."
"Billy, I can tell the future a little bit. Jesus Christ, a fuckin' deer!" Hugh swerved out of the way just in time to avoid a deer.
"Whoa, that was pretty good!" said Billy.
"No, actually, I said, 'a little bit;' those were just damn good reflexes. This is future-predicting..." Hugh closed his eyes. "You horoscope will suck tomorrow..."
"Well, naw, duh! I'm a Pisces! We always get crappy horoscopes! You can do better than that! Predict the lottery! How come future-seers never use that advantage of their power?! You never see the headline, 'fortune teller wins lottery!' What the hell?!"
"3, 7, and 9. Those are just the Pick 3. We're not getting a ticket, we're just listening on the radio what they are. I'd hate to cheat somebody out of a few thousand bucks because of my unnatural ability."
"And the Pick 3 numbers are... 3, 7, and 9."
Billy had his mouth wide open. "Holy shit!"
"Yeah," Hugh replied, "I'm good. But I did use my ability for my own benefits once...I still can't believe I did it. I did the lottery, one of the biggest jackpots in American history, and won it, using the money to start my now billion-dollar business."
"Wow. Must've changed your life."
"Well, naw, duh, Billy, when a retired cop wins a couple hundred million dollars because of his future-predicting, his life would change a little."
"I'm just saying, now you're the richest bastard in the city---probably the world!"
Hugh saw Jenna's house up ahead. "Oh, thank God we're here."
Her father was waiting in the driveway. "Well, Mr. Hugh Boston! How's it going, sir? Why are you here with the janitor's grandson who's banging my little princess?"
"Well, when you say it like that," said Billy, "it just sounds bad, even demeaning, to your high class status as the C.E.O. of a major company."
"You're lucky I like you, boy; your grandfather's a loon. I've met him on lunch breaks---whacko."
"Ah, he probably keeps get vending machine food. It's not good for his system."
"Yeah, anyway, so what are you doing here, Hugh?"
"Well, Jack, I was visiting Mr. Ben Dover---"
Jack Brewster snorted once under his breath in laughter.
"---for business reasons. See, he's going to be out on a trip for the next... well, he doesn't even know how long, so we were discussing who could take over his job while he was away."
"Tche, any monkey could take over his job."
"Watch it, Jack, any robot could take over your job."
"Good point. Well, wasn't my daughter tired?"
"Yeah, she was puckered."
"Puckered up to my lucious lips," whispered Billy, almost to the air, hopefully so Jack Brewster wouldn't notice. He didn't. He escorted his drowsy daughter inside, and Billy & Hugh left.
"Man, you're one fucked-up kid," Hugh said at last.
""Finally! You noticed! Jesus Christ!"
"You're just a smarmy little bastard, ain't ya?"
"You'll pay for that; you obviously know what it means."
Billy just smiled.
Soon, the two got back home, and went to bed. Grampa woke up early the next morining, just early enough to grab his shotgun, and wait outside the room where Hugh temporarily had resided. When Hugh woke up sometime maybe an hour or two later, Grampa met him with Ol' Bessie (his shotgun).
"MAKE ONE GAY MOVE AND YOU'RE DEAD!"
Hugh moved really slowly to the bathroom. "How'm I doing so far?"
"I'dve shot you three times already, but this thing has no ammo.
Soon, the odd trio met outside together to trek the lengthy journey they knew was ahead. Hugh re-explained the plan. And so they marched ever onward. Thus began the chronicles of eternal mana (hey, that's the name of this story!). How convenient... and thus ends part one of this really fucking crazy story. Stay tuned for part two sometime!
The Chronicles of Eternal Mana, Part II
Make sure you read the first part first, or this'll all be incredibly confusing.
Shortly after departure, Grampa was already bitching about walking. "My feet hurt!"
"Oh, shut the fuck up, you old coot. God, why did I invite you on this journey? All you do is whine and gripe and complain and many other colorful synonyms! I should've just taken Billy for some genuine man-to-man time. I'm starting to like you, but I hate your grandfather."
"Everybody says that, that I'm the likable one."
"I can see why," muttered Hugh.
"So, where is this portal of eternal mana?"
"To tell you the truth, I don't know..."
Grampa stopped. "So, not only am I walking, I'm walking BLIND?! Ah, screw you guys, I'm going home!" And he walked away with his legs stuck together, a la "South Park."
"Why're you walking so weird?"
"I told you, my feet hurt! I'm hopping!"
"Well, I'm sure we're almost there, and then we can rest."
"Is that it?" asked Billy, pointing to some huge thing.
Hugh gasped. "Sonofabitch, it is!"
The huge thing was divided into nine squares, like a tic-tac-toe board. The edge squares in the middle had slots in them (for the objects). All the other squares were blank, and the middle square looked like where the eternal mana came from.
Hugh was hyperventilating. "This... *gasp* is.... *gasp* the... *gasp*..."
"Single greatest moment of your life?" Billy finished quickly.
"Yeah... *gasp* what... *gasp* you..."
"What I said?' Billy finished again.
"So... what now?"
Hugh recovered from his hyperventilative state. "Yeah, anyway,..." He walked closer to the portal. "It's been so long..." he muttered. He inspected it for a little while, and came back to Billy and Grampa. "Let's journey on!!"
"Whoa, hey, wait, none of us know what the fuck is going on here!" cried Billy. "It'd be nice to know..."
"Well, okay, here's the dilly-o," said Hugh, "and I will never say that again---"
"Say what again?" asked Billy.
"Dilly-o.... damn, you, Billy! You tricked me!"
"Teehee!" (yes, he actually said the word, "teehee..." sad... -_-)
"Anyway, here's what's going on; there are four slots here, and they are to have objects put into them. They are all shiny, so that the sun can eventually shine down and reflect off of them, thus revealing the eternal mana we long for."
"And just what are these objects?"
"Well, there's a giant spoon, a giant dollar bill, some 30" chrome rims, and....."
"DAMN!!" cried Billy, "a giant spoon?!?! That's some bullshit right there!"
"... and a gargantuan diamond found in an elusive cave."
"Hey, hold on," said Billy, "I think I missed something here... a giant dollar bill? That's not shiny..."
"This one is. It's laminated."
"So, where do we start?" asked Grampa.
"I think we should start with..... the giant spoon."
"Aw, you is a lame!" said Billy. "A spoon? Who'd wanna have a spoon be part of saving the world to begin with?"
"Hey, it makes for interesting conversation."
"Yeah, but I want awesome hero sex! It always begins with, 'so, what'd you do on your journey?' I'm not gonna respond with, 'yeah, I got this giant spoon. Wanna make out?' Naw, I want that diamond! THAT'S gonna get me places, i.e., in a girl's pants."
"Now, Billy, who says 'i.e.' in actual conversation?"
"Apparently, I do, what's it to ya?"
Hugh just sighed. "Nothing. Let's just get the fucking spoon."
"Never to be repeated in history again," said Grampa to himself.
"So, where do we get this spoon?" Billy tried to be really overexaggerative and sarcastic with the word "spoon."
"All those slots were in the general direction of the object. It's kind of like a compass, except not so useless. I believe the spoon is a tourist attraction somewhere in the middle of the plainlands."
"Oh, okay. So, yeah, let's get this on!"
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhmf...." groaned Grampa, "I don't want to trek, or walk, or whatever the fuck you all are doing. But I will anyway because I know you can't live without my nagging voice."
"D'oohh..." muttered Billy and Hugh to themselves.
* * *
After many days of trekking (or walking, whichever), the three finally reached the spoon. Tired, weary, and exhausted, they took a rest at the gift stand (why the fuck would a giant spoon have a gift stand?! And what the fuck would be there?!?!).
"I apologize, sir" said Hugh to the owner of the stand, "we're gonna have to take that spoon off your hands. Y'know, for a big mana jorney. I hope business isn't affected any."
"It shouldn't," he replied, "we haven't had any business to be affected since 1992... and remember that this is the future!!!"
"Well," said Hugh, "the future is now."
"No, I was talking to the reader, stuck in the past..."
Hugh just stared. "The reader? What the fuck are you talking about? I think you've been in this stand too long... you should get out of there. Where's the door?"
"Door? These things have doors? I haven't found one yet..."
At this point, Hugh, Billy, and Grampa were backing away, spoon in hand. They came across a vehicle, a blue cargo van. Hugh asked the gift stand guy, "Does this belong to anyone?"
"Yes." He pointed at three skeletons who were wearing tourists' shirts, and in front of a tri-pod camera.
Yeah, everybody was gone with the van after that. Silence beckoned the gift stand, until the owner finally spoke up.
"We have t-shirts..."
"Oh, yeah, Hugh, great idea! Let's get the spoon first! It's only fucking loony land!!"
"Hey, at least we got it over with," said Hugh.
"Well, huzzah, huzzah!"
"Shut up, Billy, I can't smack you and drive at the same time."
The now-speeding van was passing up a cop car. "Calling all units, calling all units, we have a severe speeder heading westbound..."
A few minutes later, about a dozen cop cars were on Hugh's case.
"Oh, shit! Police!" cried Hugh. "I used to be a cop... if they pull me over, I'm screwed..."
"Well," suggested Biily, "you were a cop, you should know all the pursuit moves. So,...."
"...So I should screw my chances just to get a fucking spoon back to a portal? That story just doesn't sound believable if I get caught!!"
"Then don't get caught! Dee-de-drrr!!" responded Billy.
"Hmm... I have learned quite a few tricks of the trade over the years, haven't I?.... All right, let's race!!!"
"WAIT!!! We need the perfect getaway song... We'll do the first song on the first preset I hit!!"
"And coming up, the Sonny and Cher hit 'I Got You, Babe,'" said the guy on the radio.
"Okay, next preset."
"After the break, we'll 'break' on through to the other side with The Doors."
"Ooooooooooooooooooh, the Doors," said Hugh, "all right, we'll stick with this."
"Ah, hippie crap..." muttered Grampa under his breath.
"You say something?" asked Hugh, "Give respect to Jim Morrison!"
"What? I didn't say anything," Grampa lied.
Hugh stared at the road with a smile on his face. "Then let's get it on."
The opening drums of the Doors classic "Break on Through" started up. The cops were coming closer. Then Jim belted out the opening words. You know the day destroys the night, night divides the day, tried to hide, break on through to the other side, break on through....
A cop rammed the bumper of the van really hard, forcing the door open. The spoon was in the back with Billy, and the spoon went into the air because of the bump. It was heading for the open door! Billy jumped after it to grab it before it went out the door. He got the spoon, and grabbed what was left of the open door, and swung it to the side of the van. A cop was swerving back and forth behind the van, and finally went to the side that Billy was on. Hugh saw and rammed into him, unaware that Billy was at risk for harm. The cop crashed into a ditch.
One of the cops was on the CB. "Roadblock!"
Up ahead, a trucker was ready to cause a roadblock on an on-ramp, and went forward in front of Hugh. Hugh saw him coming, and swerved to the side by the guardrail. There was barely enough room for the van to squeeze by, but then Billy was still on the side door which would surely be crushed. So, he made a jump to the top of the van as the door got obliterated, spoon still intact.
"Man, this ain't safe..." muttered Billy to himself.
Hugh passed the roadblock with some scrapes on the van, but continued, anyway. The cops stopped at the failed roadblock. The same cop got back on the CB radio. "Reinforcements! I need reinforcements!"
Within seconds of sending out the call, a giant robot fell practically out of the sky.
"Holy shit!!" cried the officer as it crushed a cop car. The robot then made a giant leap towards the cargo van, and released a heat-seeking missile. It sailed after our heroes. Hugh tried desperately to outrun it. He dashed all over the highway, and finally went up a ramp at high speed, narrowly missing the guardrail around it. He was now heading towards a tollbooth.
"Here we go!!" cried Hugh, and saw his last chance to get the missile off his ass. He went up a ramp on the back of those huge trucks that bring cars to dealerships, and went over the tollgate as the missile hit the truck and blew up almost everything around it.
The van landed on the road in front of where the tollbooth used to stand. Everyone was gasping for breath like you would not believe.
"God....damn.... that was a pain in the ass..."
"You know, Hugh.... the robot is still functioning....."
The radio blared, "That song is so awesome, we're gonna play it again!"
"Oh, SHIT!!" Hugh got his breath back, and zoomed off as the drums started up again. The robot was still on their asses like hump on granny. (*shudder* Not the prettiest thought) Hugh and his companions rushed away, but the robot was quick to catch up. Hugh drove around a hill, but the robot just crashed through to meet him again on the other side. Now they were reaching a tunnel that led to a bridge dangling over a ravine. Hugh unknowingly went on the left side of the road, and was forced to move over when a "wide-load" truck came towards him. But since there was little room, Hugh was going over the side! But the robot busted through the little room there was in the tunnel, and debris from the tunnel hit the van just right to keep it in the air long enough so that it landed on the other side of the bridge. (what a miracle....) The robot shot a couple rounds of machinegun that all missed, and Hugh and his companions went through another tunnel, this one for everybody. The robot lunged in there, and shot one big missile that left a fiery explosion. The van barely escaped the destruction, and the robot resumed pursuit. Now they were in a forested area, and the robots shot regular missiles (not heat-seeking ones), and they all missed, hitting some trees. The trees did get pretty close to wiping out the van, as Hugh narrowly avoided the fallen trunks. Finally, they barely missed a girl passing by, who looked at the van, then saw the robot. She took the guts to turn around and look at that giant muthafucker dead in the eye, and put out her hand. The robot continued charging. That was his foolish mistake, as when he hit her hand---
BOOM!!!!!!!!!The van stopped immediately, and Hugh and Billy jumped out. "What the holy name of fuck was that?!" cried Hugh.
"Who the holy name of fuck was that?" asked Billy, talking about the girl. Yeah, he thought she was hot.
And she was. She approached the van in her white polo shirt, and her extremely short green skirt, with her shoulder-length, wavy brown hair flailing in the wind.
Billy went up to her. "You give me a boner the size of Texas."
Hugh smacked his face. "Oh, dear God..."
She just stared. "Nice, to meet you, Asshole, my name is Erin."
"Hey, I'm--- HOLD UP!! Did you just say my name for me, incorrectly?! I am now Asshole?!"
"You give terrible first impressions."
Hugh ran up. "Er-- excuse him, please, miss. He does give bad first impressions, but he's an all-around good kid..." He turned to Billy, who he grabbed by the shoulder, "...Right, Billy?" he asked sternly.
"Ow, my arm...." Billy groaned softly
"What?" asked Erin.
"He said yes," replied Hugh. "What are you doing out here in the middle of nowhere?"
"Oh, I'm just wandering around. My village was destroyed by a cloaked man who set it on fire, and my entire life was in there..... and now it's completely destroyed.... I got out with the last of my effort, but I couldn't save anybody..." A tear fell from her eye.
Billy broke from Hugh's grasp. Hugh walked away "Oh, man... I didn't realize that that'd happened to you...." He hugged her.
"Oh, well, okay...."
"My name's Billy. I'm sorry for being an asshole. I had no idea that had happened to you, seriously."
"Well, it began with..."
"Whoa, hey... nobody asked for a flashback..."
She spoke louder. "IT BEGAN WITH!.... one fine evening... the sky was clear, the birds were chirping, and then........ he came."
"'He?' He, who?"
Billy was silent. "Who the heck is that?"
"He was my first boyfriend. I'd say he's about your age, and looks a lot like you, Billy..."
"Well, I didn't burn down your village," he said quickly, "i-it was Danny, right?"
"Yeah. He wore a long, red cloak, and had a loooooooooong sword.... I never thought he could destroy our village.... and so effortlessly... Just a whif of his hand, and fire came up everywhere, burning everything in our village. People were screaming, and everyone was running around, trying to evacuate."
"Damn...." said Billy. "How did you escape?"
"I just ran, and didn't stop. I never looked back, until after I got out of the village. The last thing I saw was Danny looking at me, then he turned around, and walked into the fire like it was nothing."
"That's badass.... But he still sounds terrible!"
"He was. I never figured out why I was his girlfriend."
Billy just shrugged. "Guess you were stupid."
Erin tried to ignore that comment. "Well, we didn't last long. We broke up after two weeks. He.... was a little obsessed with me, to say in the least...."
"Ah, geez, the obsessive ex."
"That all sucks. Have you heard from him since?"
"Not since he burned the village."
"Man.... I'm gonna sock the shit out that motherfucker!!!!"
"Oh, God, what the hell is wrong with you?!" cried Erin.
"He dares to mess with a hot girl as long as I know her and am alive?! The bastard-ass cock-fucker dick-shit pussy-faced fucker!!"
"Well, okay, you seem a little determined.... and extremely potty-mouthed."
"Grr....." Billy looked more determined than any other time in his life to do something, and it was to kick this guy's ass. He didn't know why.... he had never met him. Was it because... he felt bad for Erin? Or because he like Erin? Maybe even... love? But, wait... he had a girlfriend at home waiting for him when he returned..... Which girl did he love more?... He just met Erin.... but he had a damn good feeling about her. Nah, it had to be the guilt he felt for making a bad first impression.... Or was it?.....
"Billy?" asked Erin, "you seem confused about something..."
Billy looked into her gorgeous green eyes. He stared for a really long time. Then he finally spoke up.
"I.... I love you."
"Hmm?" Erin uttered that simple question before Billy grabbed her face with the softest of grabs, and kissed her. Erin was going to say something, but enjoyed the kiss too much. The night passed like nothing....
.... Well, not all the night. They stopped making out at about 8 o'clock at night. Somehow, Hugh nor Grampa were in the least concerned about the two now-lovebirds. That's because they had a whole different thing on their hands.
"What the hell is that?!" cried Grampa, talking about a little robot that was floating in front of him. It had the shape of of an egg, with one part of it missing, and painted black, and had an antennae sticking out of the top. It sounded like a mechanized Droopy Dog (ah, Droopy Dog... sweet, sweet childhood memories...).
"I'm sorry to bother you, sir, I have just lost my way. If you could direct me to the highway, that's all I need," said the robot.
"GET AWAY!!! I'm a technophobe!!'
"Well, I'm sorry; is there anyone else with whom I can regard my situation?"
"I'll regard my foot halfway up your ass if you don't go away!!"
"Yo, yo, yo, I'm-- I'm here," said Hugh. "You wanna get to the highway? Just what are you doing here by yourself?"
"My master is dead after someone invaded his laboratory and killed him. I left at the first chance I had."
"Oh. Man, that's terrible. Who killed him?"
At this point, Billy and Erin realized that the adults my be worried about them, so they went on back to where the van was. And they heard the robot's story...
"It was a man in a red cloak, and he had a giant sword..."
Billy and Erin's interests were piqued.
"....He just came into the lab one day, and stabbed my master... I hovered away as fast as I could... It was terrible...."
"Whoa, hey," said Billy, "what's going on here?"
"My name is Kokoporo, and my master is dead. That man I was talking about killed him."
"That's the bastard who burned down Erin's village!!" cried Billy, "now I'm REALLY pissed!!!! He's gone too far with this shit! Whoever this Danny Valentino guy is, I'm gonna fuck up his face! He's fucking dead meat! I've had it up to here with his bullshit!"
"Billy, calm down... What the fuck?"
"Ooooooooooh, this Danny guy is really pissing me off! He burns down Erin's village, he kills this 'Kokoporo's' master, and I've honestly never felt this way about someone! I've never met him, but I hate him more than any person in the world!" Billy clenched his fist. It trembled so violently that it had to unleash its fury. So Billy punched a tree with all his might, and it fell over. It was a pretty damn thick tree, too. At least 30 inches wide.
Billy stared at the destruction he had just caused. "HOLY SHIT!!!! I'm pretty fucking powerful!"
Everyone stared in complete disbelief. Mouths were dropped wide open. The power that was just exhibited exceeded all knowledge of power before it. What man could knock down a 30-inch thick tree with one fist?! Seriously, who can?! This got Hugh reeeeeally suspicious.... of what? Ha! You'll have to remember that fact!
"Errr... anyway, I just think that we should have some dinner and go to sleep."
"Dinner? Where the fuck we gonna get dinner in the middle of the woods?"
"I don't know," said Erin, "but I'm Vegan."
Trying so obviously to impress her, Billy said, "Yeah, I am, too."
"Quit lying, Billy! I made porkchops that one night, and you must've had about ten of the damn things!" cried Grampa.
Billy said through gritted teeth, "Shut the fuck up."
"YOU shut the fuck up!" retorted Grampa.
"Your MOM shut the fuck up!!"
Grampa stopped. "That hurt, Billy... that hurt me deep down inside...."
"Well, then, should we all get to sleep then?" suggested Hugh.
"What is this thing you humans call sleep?" asked Kokoporo.
"We all rest up so we're energized in the morning.... it's like charging up a battery."
"Oh, okay. Clever analogy."
"Thank you, Kokoporo. Now, as I suggested, bedtime?"
And everyone grabbed a sleeping bag, and nestled by the crackling, dying fire as the stars gazed overhead, not knowing what tomorrow would bring.